Why my boyfriend is a dick
Some boyfriends are indisputably dicks because they beat and cheat their girlfriends. Other guys are dicks because they do plain stupid oh-my-god-is-this-guy-really-my-boyfriend stuff. So don’t panic reader, this is not a frighteningly candid and uncomfortable confession about my abusive boyfriend ruining my life. My boyfriend is just a bit of a silly twat.
1. Our romantic mini break
Right, so we have been seeing each other for a few weeks and decide it would be nice to spend the night in Brighton. My romantic picture perfect expectations for the weekend, and I guess for our relationship, were abruptly thwarted when he burped in my face, laughed and ran off, leaving me alone and embarrassed at the bar.
My boyfriend (who wasn’t even quite my boyfriend yet) is a dick.
Sure, we had a nice time. We sat on the beach drinking beer and throwing stones, wandered round Brighton hand in hand, sat on our sea view balcony listening to music, went for dinner. All good, until we go to a pub and babycakes decides to get absolutely shit faced.
He must have downed about twelve pints (surely not that much, but thanks for the flattery, Ed.) before he burped in my face; I had to literally carry him back to our hotel before he fell face first into the bed. Perfect.
I’ll spare you the gory details and him the embarrassment, (“the fact that you are trying to initiate it by prodding me up the arse with your dick suggests that yes, you were right before, you are definitely too drunk to have sex”), but it all got pretty messy and I went to sleep alone as he was slumped over our ensuite toilet. Awesome.
“Sorry babe, I was just really nervous”
Well his “nervous” excuse was all very endearing until he got absolutely shit faced and acted like a dick on several occasions after this.
2. He nearly killed me
My boyfriend is actually pretty funny when he is shit faced. This particular night he has been working at the pub but somehow, managed to get completely wasted. (Well it was a beer festival, Ed.)
I always think drunk people look a lot like babies, staggering around and laughing uncontrollably at basic and often not very funny things. My boyfriend wobbled towards me like a cute little baby just learning to walk, smiling the stupidest smile. Gurgled kisses me all over my face, silly dance, inane wiggled hips. With piss poor pissed Spanish, he unknowingly introduced me to a Galician woman as his daughter before smiling and giving me a massive snog. I am loving enough to appreciate the amusing side of this, so all quite funny.
Unfortunately, the drunken baby then stupidly decided to lift me over his shoulder. Don’t get me wrong, I am not hugely over-weight or anything (therefore usually particularly easy to lift), but considering the trouble he was having standing up this was obviously a fucking stupid idea. Not funny. Suddenly it is like he has literally hurled me head first into a fire extinguisher. Luckily the pub manager caught me but if he hadn’t I am pretty sure that my boyfriend would have killed me.
Oh, and he nearly killed me and found it hysterical. Everyone else in the pub obviously hadn’t quite realised that my boyfriend is a dick. They all looked at him in disbelief, kept asking if he realised that he had nearly killed me, and he was just bent over giggling uncontrollably. For ages.*
J CONRAD
*To be honest I was laughing pretty hard too, and in a slapstick way it was very very funny. But still, he found it a bit too funny. Dick.
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