Had successfully managed to get my boyfriend home and into bed – a significant achievement considering when he is wasted this is literally as difficult as getting a dog to piss without cocking his leg or licking your elbow. Good. Baby sleeps.
Anyway, I wake up a couple of hours later, and realise my Big Baby is not next to me. Shit. Is he being sick? Has he passed out over the loo? I got dressed – no sign of Big Baby in loo. Shit. Maybe he is getting water? Hungry? Not in kitchen. Shit. Right, erm, living room?
MY BOYFRIEND IS A DICK.
Asleep, sprawled across the sofa, in my parent’s house – naked. Lovely.
All these examples are when he is drunk, indeed my boyfriend most certainly excels at being a dick when he is wasted, but he is also pretty good when sober. I introduced him to about ten of my friends as my boyfriend and he looks at me, says with a completely straight face “I’m not your boyfriend” and runs out of the house. Dick. He is also constantly trying to humiliate me publicly, for example loudly telling me he is gay and it’s all over in the busy checkout queue in Tescos.
My boyfriend is a dick.