Thursday, 29 April 2010

Famous Paintings Explained

Gian Girolamo Savoldo - La Maddalena, c.1535-40, Oil on canvas, National Gallery
Returning to the sepulchre, this image captures Mary Magdalen in turning to see the barely clothed Christ who has just risen again. In this sensual, sexually charged depiction, the artist juxtaposes his own lascivious desires with a novel yet wildly misinformed interpretation of a verse from St. Luke's Gospel. The passage in question loosely narrates the point that the Magdalen emerges from the shadows of uncertainty to recognise the resurrected Christ, calling him 'Rabboni', the Hebrew for 'teacher'. 

However, due a monumental mistranslation somewhere along the line, Savoldo was led to believe that the Magdalen had in fact growled lecherously at Christ - 'Raaaar, bone me!' Recent X-Ray scans of the painting have uncovered some telling revelations, notably that originally Mary Magdalen had been portrayed removing her suspenders and readying herself to receive - which accounts for the fact that her left knee is raised up close to her face (and is not, as some critics have said, her right arm). 

The fervently pious patron rejected the image however, and so to save the commission Savoldo was forced to cover the Magdalen with the silver cloak seen shimmering on the canvas today. 

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Ardent Speculation

'That's the main problem with the Trident Drizzler you see,' postulates Dave as he clambers out of the shower scratching his greying whiskers. 'With the T400 you don't get this kind of limescale build-up, but with older models I'm afraid things aren't so jazzy.' The latest in a long line of unwashed householders stares at him blankly. 

'How has my Eton education left me such a wet spanner?' Dave soliloquises as he restores the dripping tools to the Berlingo. And so he pooters along through Hammersmith on his way to the next job sighing as he passes a snake of voters outside a polling station. Alas! So many painful memories, so many heart-wrenching visions of what could of been!
'Fucking fuck!' concludes Gordon as he fumbles around for the tap. Having never quite become accustomed to blindness he has just taken a shit in the bath for the second time in a week. Downstairs Sarah is again twisting the knife in the Ed Balls voodoo doll to no avail. 

Nick on the other hand stretches his feet out over the desk at No. 10. He is on the line to Mark Zuckerberg and Myspace Tom to thank them for their unwavering support in his successful second campaign. Vince meanwhile downloads pictures of women in varying states of undress, their modesty preserved only by the occasional pocket calculator.